oh, em gee.

2010-08-15T21:14:00.001-07:00

Once again,
I'm dealing with the issue of letting down my walls.
I have this baggage that I just can't seem to get rid of.
But, I realized in the past few days,
I need to stop making excuses and confront it.
I'm done letting it run me.
I want to have a loving relationship,
I want to be able to trust the people in my life.
Instead, I'm pushing them all away.

Getting hurt, having my heart broken,
is my absolute biggest fear.
So I choose not to open up,
and choose to keep everything inside.
That way, if something happens,
I haven't made myself completely vulnerable,
and it won't hurt as bad.
But then I subconsciously try to sabotage things.
Then he doesn't have to chance to hurt me,
I've done that all on my own.
I always have to be the hard ass,
to act like I don't care.
Until he's walking out the door.
Then I want to talk, to listen,
to deal with the problems at hand...
Before that moment, nothing.

I've finally met someone who is worth this,
and who isn't going to take my crap.
Before him,
I didn't know how to be a good girlfriend,
or how to treat someone I loved.
Now I know how to be that,
I want to be that,
and I won't allow my past to ruin this.
I don't ever want him to wonder
why he's with me.

Some things have been brought to light,
and I have some insight as to what I need to do.
There are definitely things I need to change,
and I'm more than willing to do this.

....wish me luck.

2010-05-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember,
I've never wanted kids. No way, no how.
But, the last couple months, I've been slipping.
My "biological clock" has been ticking.
I'll see babies and think they're cute
and how it might be fun to have one someday.
Then I think again...
And this sounds totally cheesy,
but Big said it best in "Sex and the City 2":
"We're adults without kids, we have the ability
to design our own life."
People seriously think I'm crazy when they
hear I don't want kids.
They always tell me I'll change my mind.
"Not gonna happen," I say. "I haven't wanted
them since I knew what other kids were, I'm
about to be 25 and my mind still hasn't changed."
Maybe it's selfishness, maybe I didn't get
the maternal gene, maybe I just hate the world
enough to not want to bring a kid up in it;
but the bottom line is, I seriously don't want them.
I love my life the way it is, I don't want that to change.
I'm also lucky enough to be in a relationship with
someone who shares my same thinking.
It certainly makes things a lot easier,
one less thing to worry about.
It's definitely put a strain on previous relationships,
which I think partially lead to their demise.
Plus, I'm an auntie now: I can still hang out with
my nephew and spoil him, but I can also give him back
when he starts to cry or needs a diaper change....

2010-05-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten what it was like to actually be happy,
because I had become so used to being miserable
that it just didn't matter.
I was in a rut for so long and didn't even realize it.
Fortunately,
I had someone who cared enough about me to come along;
someone to show me how things could be,
show me the person that I could be.
He actually believed in me,
therefore helping me believe in me.
At some point, I had stopped believing in myself.
I had no motivation, no drive.
I was okay with being just "meh".
What it really boiled down to was I had lost myself;
I was no longer Mercedes.
Unfortunately,
it took some burning of bridges
and physically removing myself
from a toxic situation to get back to being me.
Even so, I have no regrets
and I stand by the decision I made.
Everyday I'm becoming a better version of my former self.
I'm finally going back to school
and am beyond excited about it.
Because I know it's the start
of something that's going to better my life,
which is all that I want for myself.
I'm raising the bar back up,
I'm getting back to being
the care-free dreamer I used to be.
It's been time for a change and I'm finally making it...

2010-02-08T01:35:00.000-08:00

i've tried letting my guard down.
i'm trying to be trusting.
but when someone points out your flaws,
in the middle of an argument,
it can be really discouraging.
this all feels like a real set back.

he wants me to trust him,
to be able to tell him everything.
but when i hear about these problems he has with me,
all of these underlying issues,
my walls go back up and i retreat inside my head.
it all makes me feel so alone.
i really hate feeling vulnerable,
so i protect myself the only way i know how to,
by shutting down, turning off.
which i know isn't healthy,
and i've really been working through it,
but it's still my defense mechanism.
it's the easiest way to deal...for me, anyway.
still, things get through
and my feelings still get hurt.
(surprise, surprise.)
words have the ability to cut me like daggers,
to put a knot so big in my stomach that i feel sick.
by then, the damage has already been done.
i've retreated further and my trust has been broken.
because how do i know it won't happen again.
i'm always going to be expecting the worst,
bracing myself for what's to come.
even so, i guess i shouldn't be SO sensitive to it.
stil, everyday is a struggle...ugh.

2010-01-25T16:01:00.000-08:00

i don't know how to be the person i want to be in a relationship.
lately, my trust issues have gotten the best of me,
and it's pretty unbecoming.
jealousy does not look good on anyone.
odd thing is, i've never considered myself a jealous person...
until i really thought about it.
but, basically, my insecurities and
"untrustworthy until proven trustworthy" mentality
make it hard not to be.

i guess what it comes down to is that i have a hard time
understanding why someone would want to be with me.
so i need whoever i'm with to constantly be proving to me
that i'm the one they want to be with.
which isn't fair to him.
especially when he's done nothing
to show he's not worthy of my trust.
i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of carrying around this chip on my shoulder
because of what ex's have done to me in the past.
it's just gotten so hard to let go of that,
when every single guy has, at some point, devastated me.
it really is a vicious circle,
and i usually come out alone and feeling like a jerk.

i don't want to sabotage another relationship
because of my issues.
i want to actually be happy and have a normal relationship.
not a relationship where he feels he has to walk on eggshells
so as not to hurt my feelings somehow.

so, how do you get past that?
how do i get past this?
i should probably start by letting my walls down...entirely.
because part-way, some-of-the-time isn't cutting it.
and trust, trust, trust.
i need to realize that not everyone wants to hurt me,
and that is possible for someone to care about me...
now, i just have to keep telling myself that,
so i actually start to believe it.

2009-11-22T23:05:00.001-08:00

i found this old blog entry,

and realized i miss writing.

i'm going to start doing it much more often now.

i need my outlet.

"I was born with cynicism running through my veins.

Every fiber of my being is made up of negativity and pessimism.

Everyone in my family views the glass as half empty,

it's time to break tradition.

It's a worthy battle to fight,

albeit, an extremely hard one.

It's hard to see a positive reality,

when all you've known is a harsh one.

Seeing the world through rose colored glasses has never been an option.

No matter what I've had, it's never been good enough.

It didn't matter that it was newer, cooler, or just plain better than yours.

I've always been spoiled,

and though I've appreciated everything given to me,

I know I'm still a brat at heart.

It's followed me into adulthood,

and it's time for a serious change.

I can't deal with being told "no". Ever.

I can't handle not being the center of attention,

particularly involving the person I'm in a relationship with.

I guess I had never really realized that until last night.

We were getting ready to go to a wedding,

I couldn't do my hair right, so I said I wasn't going.

I threw a fit and he told me,

"Don't do this to me now. This is so much bigger than you."

And he was so incredibly right.

Even though I wouldn't admit that until much later last night.

I'm stubborn, I'm hard-headed,

and even though I know at the time I'm doing something wrong,

I won't change my way.

My actions are so ridiculous and selfish,

and it's almost as if I'm viewing the situation from the outside in,

seeing how childish I'm being.

While it's happening, I just don't care.

So this is me, taking a pledge to become a better person.

A more compassionate person,

a more altruistic person.

Someone who regards the feelings of others when it matters most.

A person who is more likable.

I complain about how much I hate this town, this world,

but I'm only adding to that unpleasantness.

I'd rather be a congenial attribute to society,

instead of a hateful one.

No more complaing, no more negativity.

All I really want is to be happy,

I guess I just never realized it until now...."

2009-08-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

god, i'm tired.
tired of empty promises i make myself.
tired of lost hopes.
tired of dwelling.
tired of my dead end job.
tired of being tired...literally.

there are so many things i need to do,
so many things i want to see.
and going the way i'm headed
isn't going to get me any of those things.
i'm better than this.
i'm better than being unhappy.
it's about time i do something about it.
go to school,
attempt to find a new job,
stop being so bored all the time.
i work just so i can barely live.
it's tiresome and old.

my birthday was on friday.
24 and not getting younger.
by now i expected so much more of myself.
i guess getting a later start than planned
is better than never getting started at all.
sometimes it's just so hard
to find the motivation,
and to figure out where i even begin.
thinking about it frustrates me,
even though i know it's something i need to do.

i long to be creative again,
to use my brain.
instead of doing something i hate,
and letting everything else waste away.
it gets me so bogged down sometimes,
i can't stand it.
every day being the same,
just going through the motions.

i need some excitement.
something fresh, something new.
....

2009-07-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

so i'm sitting here listening to brad paisley,
and i got to thinking...
his songs (& most other country songs),
make life seem so simple...
once you've found someone to love.
it's like once you've found that person,
nothing else really matters.
well, except creating a life with them.
it's just a concept i have a hard time grasping.
even though i've played with the idea
with the ex,
i just don't know that i'm cut out for it.
not for the long haul, anyway.
i'm just not quite ready to settle anytime soon.
because if i did, my life would be mediocre.
and i do not want mediocre.
there are a million things i want to do...
and if that means i have to be lonesome
for a little while longer,
i'm entirely ok with that.
my mantra is now
"live for me".
i think i can handle that....

2009-07-22T00:43:00.000-07:00

have you ever woken up from a dream,
that involved someone you know,
but don't know too well,
and find yourself a little bit attracted to them?
it's the weirdest thing.
this dream was super real,
and it got my heart fluttering a little bit.
good thing i don't have to deal with him
on a daily basis. ha.

anywho...
we moved into our new house.
it's big, it's nice.
it's away from where we were originally,
but whatever.
it is straight up suburbia, though.
i'm still getting settled.
i hate moving.
it stresses me out.
i want to decorate my room,
but with limited funds,
that's kinda difficult.
plus, i hate painting.
i need a man to do it for me.
(jooooking.)

i wish i had more to blog about right now.
but i'm oddly content,
and not feeling the need to vent.
weird.
guess i just wanted to check in.

hopefully more sweet dreams tonight.
<3

2009-07-07T00:00:00.001-07:00

i wonder if there will ever be a point
when i won't have to check the "single" box
when filling out information about myself.
who knows if
maybe i'll even be checking the "divorced" box,
or the "separated" box some day?
it's crazy that no matter how much
i ~~want~~need to be single,
i still crave someone.
it really is human nature.
what i miss most is having that confidante.
someone who is on your side no matter what.
but,
i know that i'm still getting to know me,
that i'm still learning to love the person
that i am - inside & out.
and that being in a relationship right now
just is not what i need.
because aside from not being able to
find any date-worthy guys,
i also have to be able to survive without someone.
i'm a serial monogamist.
not that that's necessarily a horrible thing,
but when you've pretty much been in relationships
since you were 16 (and are now pushing 24),
it's time to do some exploring.
i've become too dependent on having someone
there in the past.
i'm actually proud of myself for having gone
out with a couple guys (as nothing serious),
and having stayed single for this long.
but, in reality, i have to wonder what the future
has in store for me.
will i find prince charming?
will i get butterflies again?
will i find someone to stay up with at night
until the sun comes out,
talking about absolutely nothing & absolutely everything?
will i find someone who really gets me,
and loves me despite (or because) all of my flaws?
i want to live for me,
but it's so hard when you feel so damn alone,
and are surrounded by friends who have something.

...i'm really just being overly emotional
from the lack of sleep.
i'm definitely on the verge of a mental breakdown.
woot.

2009-07-05T22:23:00.001-07:00

there are knots in my stomach,
anticipating something i don't even know.
i feel like something bad is coming.
i'm anxious, nervous, unsure.
i could be totally off track with this,
but usually my intuition is pretty spot-on.
it may not being something big,
but it will be something.
or maybe it's just that i'm feeling
so damn lonely lately.
i've been a bit emotional and on edge
the last few days.
irrational & moody,
quick to get angry.
that may be due to the lack of sleep,
and the fact that my quiet little world
has been a bit imposed on.
hopefully that'll be fixed very soon.
we're applying for a new place tomorrow.
we want this place like we've never wanted
anything ever before.
it would be life-saving if we got it.
i don't care if i'll be broke
and have to eat nothing but top ramen.
i also applied for another job,
which i'm hoping to hear back from
at some point this week.
i've got a shoe-in, which is awesome.
it would be amazing if i were to get it.
some extra income would be
more than welcomed right now.
so maybe there are some things
i'm anticipating right now;
new job, new home.
ha.

well...i should try and get some sleep
for the first time in about 4 days...

2009-07-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

i really dislike being over analytical.
i over think everything.
it usually leads to me being insecure,
and generally ends with me giving up on something or someone.
it's something i know i need to change.
i need to make a conscious decision to fix it.
for the most part, i'm a pretty laid-back girl,
i really just go with the flow.
but sometimes things get under my skin,
and i let them bother me a bit more than they should.
for the most part, it's something small and stupid.
so now as i'm growing up,
i realize that i need to not waste my time on
such pointless things.
what's the point of being unhappy?
why not just go with the flow?
why not just see how things turn out?
instead of worrying about it all so much.
like i've said in earlier posts,
i'm getting to know myself more and more all the time.
so i guess in realizing this, it's actually a good thing.
because it means i can do something about it.
as opposed to being in denial forever.
in all actuality, most of it boils down to me
having security issues.
people have done that to me.
but those people aren't around anymore.
so it's up to me to fix it.
i can't undo what they did,
but i can learn from it, i can grow.
i can make myself a better person.

so i'm going to become a more pleasant
mercedes.
a new & improved version of the old me.
someone i can love and be proud of.
and someone people can really like.
i plan on chilling out, go with the flow even more,
and just have a brighter outlook.
maybe i'll even throw on some rose-colored glasses,
just for good measure...

2009-06-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling somewhat somber today.
there's a knot in my stomach.
i'm not sure why.
i've been under a lot of stress lately,
but with the help of some awesome
family members,
a lot of that has diminished.
unfortunately, where one stressful situation
has been taken care of,
another one takes its place.
albeit, a little less threatening,
but there all the same.
i cannot seem to get content right now.
nothing is fulfilling enough for me.
and i certainly don't know what i want...
in regards to anything.
i've always been indecisive,
but lately i've gotten ridiculous.
especially in regards to my heart & feelings.
lately i'm thinking i don't want to be tied down.
i like having the freedom to come & go as i please.
not having to answer to anyone is amazing.
because having someone breathing down my neck,
constantly asking me what i'm doing and where i'm going
is just not something i want to deal with anymore.
as much as i care about the ex,
i'm glad we've gotten to a point where
we can let each other do our own things.
it's finally starting to feel like we're not a couple anymore...
almost a year later.

wow.
realizing it's been almost a year
since we haven't officially been a couple.
that's really weird.
moving away was probably the best thing i did.
as hard as it's been, i'm glad i did it.
it's made me see things from a different perspective.
it's made me grow up a little bit.
something i needed to do.
he's still one of the people i'm closest to,
and probably always will be.
but, for now, we're friends...
and, for now, it's best that way.

...totally got off track with that.

anywho,
i think i'm gonna try to get out of town
next weekend.
have thurs-sat off.
i know it's the 4th,
but whatevs.
i need a beach & some color in my life.
capitola sounds amazing.

or
...anyone wanna go to greece? ;)

1958-2009 ♥

2009-06-25T01:16:00.000-07:00

wow. i haven't blogged in forever.
mainly because i haven't had internet on my macbook.
i'm hijacking someone's wifi at the moment.
wish i would've known about it a month ago. ha.
ugh. i have nothing insightful to ~~write~~type about.
i'm not feeling creative and am having a bit of writer's block.

so...i'm apartment hunting with the roommate & a friend.
i'm super excited to move,
even though it's very likely it will be out of midtown.
just on the outskirts isn't so bad, though.
we'll just have to have a dd when we go out now.
the actual act of moving is gonna suck, definitely.
oh well.
if we get the place we're looking at,
it's well worth it.
so we're crossing our fingers.

so my nephew is getting crazy big!
he's so incredibly adorable.
i really wish i was around more often to see him,
but it's actually kinda cool to not be,
because then i get to see how much bigger
he's getting in between visits.
he looks so much like my sister. so cool.
it makes me want one someday,
but we'll see about that.
i thought i'd met the person for that,
but it didn't turn out so well.
i digress...

well, i'm tired.
and i just wanted to update,
so it hadn't been a million years.

2009-05-30T23:59:00.001-07:00

man. man. man.
i hate watching television/movie relationships.
actually, i hate watching their lives.
i started watching sex and the city from the beginning.
i'm on season 3 now.
their lives are so damn fabulous.
i realize it's not real, but i'm still so envious.
because someone, somewhere, leads a similar life.
i despise the fact that i wasn't born "into money".
i know; that just means i have to work harder
to make it happen for myself.
it's just so frustrating.
especially now,
when i'm so broke, i can barely afford to eat.
i hate having to struggle.
it doesn't make me stronger, it makes me angry.
some people are just so fortunate, and i'm....not.
there are so many things i want to do,
so many things i want to buy and see.
going to vegas and seeing all the beautiful things
that money can buy was just so disheartening.
makes me sad (& mad). ugh.
and then the relationships.
relationships don't happen like that...do they?
does everyone have a soulmate?
is everyone meant to fall in love?
and what does falling in love entail?
because i thought i had at least once,
and now i don't know.
if you love someone,
are you supposed to get tired of them?
get annoyed by every little thing?
i just miss the newness of it.
the exhilarating feeling
of your stomach flip-flopping when you see them.
the excitement of the first kiss,
of when he may say "i love you" for the first time.
when he introduces you as his "girlfriend",
and you get to meet his parents.
granted, comfort is nice.
not having to sneak out of bed to
brush your teeth in the morning.
knowing you have someone to sleep next to.
someone to take care of you when you're sick.
then there's all the uncomforts of dating.
all the confusion.
the awkward moments.
never knowing when the time is right to ask them to stay.
the uneasy feeling of coming off as too needy,
or being too available.
the whole thing is so off-putting.
it's a double-edged sword.
comfortable, easy, and a little boring
or
new, exciting, and sometimes confusing?
what i know is this;
i don't like being alone, not right now.
sometimes i do, sometimes i'm ok with it.
this isn't one of those times.
i'm bored. i need to start going out.
i need to meet new people and make more friends.
i'm too young to be sitting at home,
twiddling my thumbs.
because mr. right (or even mr. right now)
won't just appear on my doorstep.
(unless, of course, he's a door-to-door salesman.
and if that's the case,
i probably wouldn't answer the door, anyway.)

it's time to re-awaken my inner social butterfly.
away with the shy, homebody i've become recently!

2009-05-18T11:32:00.001-07:00

my nephew, caiden, was born on
thursday, may 14th @ 630p.
he weighed in at 8.07lbs & 21.5in long.
he's a big boy with a full head of hair.
he is SO precious and i'm totally in love.

now being 45 minutes away is gonna suck.
i can't just go & visit as i please.
still, i'm super excited to see him grow,
and i'm SO happy for my sister.
ahh, he makes me smile.

2009-05-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

so it's finally over.
he told me we need to get to know ourselves as individuals,
and to figure out what we want on our own.
crappy thing is, i know what i wanted. i wanted him.
i guess it was too little too late.
i felt like he'd stopped trying once i moved away.
like he was just going through the motions.
he said i degrade him when i'm around my friends,
that it seems like i think i'm better than him.
and he can't be himself around me.
sure, sometimes he gets on my nerves,
sometimes he's a bit much,
but i've never asked him to change. not once.
he said we've run our course.
i haven't felt like this in a long time.
i've only had 3 serious relationships,
and now i'm remembering why i hate them.
because the last 3 years are just...gone.
my best friend is gone, my rock is gone.
i can't be friends with him,
i can't talk to him.
not right now.
he didn't talk to me, he let feelings build up,
making his ill feelings toward me worse.
which isn't fair.
& then there's our trust issues.
he did things i never though he'd do,
and he doesn't understand why it's still hard for me.
so i spent an hour explaining that to him.
i also spent an hour sobbing.
he knew what my intentions were,
he knew where i wanted things to go.
i just wish he'd done this 3 months ago,
when i moved up here, and he stopped trying.
because i could've been 3 months past this,
3 months closer to being over it.
instead i'm at step one,
and i don't know what to do.
i just feel sick to my stomach,
and completely heartbroken.
ugh.
this is such a crappy feeling,
i hate feeling so damn lost.

well, hey, maybe i'll get some inspiration

for my creative writing out of this.

2009-05-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

i love the playlist on here so much.
all of the songs give me that feeling in my stomach
that lets me know it's something i love.
songs like that take me back to when i was 18, 19.
long drives to nowhere, going to shows far, far away.
hanging out with friends that mattered more than anything.
falling for unattainable boys, ending up drunkenly in bathtubs.
honestly, things couldn't have been better.
then i moved and everything changed...everything.
i lost a part of myself that i'll never get back. makes me sad.
in those couple years, i had some of the best (& most reckless)
times of my teenage life. i loved it.
but...like the william fitzsimmons song on my playlist;
"everything has changed".
that's a part of life, though.
people grow up.
people move on.
people change.
it's not always bad, not always good. it just....is.
i've definitely grown up a lot.
granted, i feel like a kid still...but
i've learned so much about myself the last couple years.
i've learned a lot about my family, we've become much closer.
i definitely get my taste in architecture from my mother.
i love anything spanish style and rustic,
colorful and homey.
my mom also taught me that it's really ok to go out
without makeup on, just au natural.
that's always so ironic to me - that i rarely wear makeup,
even when i have the opportunity to do it,
because makeup is my love, my passion.
(ugh. i miss doing it. but that's another story.)
my over-indulgent spending comes from my grandmother
whose motto basically is:
"can't spend it when you're gone." ha.
albeit, i've gotten a lot better about not spending.
also, from my grandma, i've gotten my love for
animals, plants, and flowers,
and my sympathy for those less fortunate than myself.
she always tells me what a big heart i have.
no matter how crappy i'm feeling, thinking of that
makes me smile.
my appreciation for long drives came from both
of my maternal grandparents.
every weekend, we would drive somewhere;
usually napa, sonoma, benicia,
i'm pretty sure that's where my love for small towns
came from. that, and the occasional drives with my
mom to grass valley, sonora, & anywhere with cute
little shops.
so weird that i love small towns now that i'm older,
because when i was younger, i would always say:
"i can't live somewhere without a mall!!"
i hate malls now....go figure.
and now i'm going to have a nephew here pretty soon.
i couldn't be more thrilled.
& even though i've gone through my entire life saying
how much i dislike kids, i told my mom & sister that
i now have to have a kid in the next 4 years because
i don't want my nephew and my kid to be too far apart.
ha.

my, how "everything has changed".

2009-04-23T16:17:00.001-07:00

i'm always so unsure of what to ~~write~~ type about in this blog.
mainly, how i want to write.
do i want it to be more creative writing, do i just want
documentation of what's going on in my life,
or about bigger, broader things?
do i write what's going on in my head,
about things i'm liking at the moments, songs i'm listening to?
i don't really ever like to get too personal, i don't like using names.
sometimes i'm feeling deep, sometimes i'm feeling more superficial.
my likes & dislikes are constantly changing,
because i'm learning new things about myself on a daily basis.
hmm...i'm thinking i want to self-reflect right now.
maybe make a list of things i definitely know about myself
right at this moment.

-i'm a perfectionist; i have to have things symmetrical,
things need to be even, everything has its place.
-i'm extremely picky, especially in regards to food; i'm not
huge on trying new things. i don't like things that are super
"exotic". i don't like ice cream with weird stuff in it.
-i hate being touched; whether i'm at work and someone
taps me to move, or giving hugs to a friend, i'm weird about it.
-i'm a procrastinator and i'm always late; if you need me to be
somewhere at a certain time, tell me a time that's an hour early.
-i'm extremely shy. in a way that makes me feel almost
claustrophobic when i'm around people i don't know. i'm kinda
socially retarded, actually. it's really hard for me.
-i'm very insecure; i've gained some weight in the past few years,
and it's been a blow to my self-esteem. i need to start eating
right and exercising a lot more.
-i really don't like other people's dogs. i like the roommates dog,
my family's dogs, and my dogs. that's about it.
-even though sometimes i hate my job, i'm pretty good at it.
definitely doesn't mean i want to be there forever, just that i
should appreciate it more.
-i crave knowledge. i feel like i'm getting dumber every second
that i'm not in school. but honestly, going back to school scares
the crap out of me. i don't want to deal with meeting new people.
-i'm very indecisive, especially in the style of things i like; clothes,
shoes, furniture, decor.
-recently i've realized, money isn't everything, but it sure does help
a lot. i don't want a huge house when i get older, just one that i
absolutely love. i found that one, on the corner of H & 46th.
-i'm a people pleaser. i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,
even if they do things i don't like or agree with. i just want people
to like me, i guess. even if it means putting a fake smile on my face.

...ok, i know there are more, but i'm done for the time being. i'm being
lazy and need to go find something to do...maybe go jogging.

ps - i added a music player to the blog....like?

2009-04-10T23:08:00.001-07:00

every once in awhile i get on these kicks
where i just can't stand people and
the morals that our society is missing.
the lack of integrity, of manners, of ethics.
my generation seriously saddens me.
we're a bunch of inconsiderate assholes.
i meet so many people my age who just
don't care about anyone but themselves.
my parents & grandparents raised me to
always have manners and always treat
others as i would like to be treated.
as much as i hate people as a whole,
i still try to be a good person, i still try
to be nice to everyone. i feel it's a virtue.
i'm not perfect by any means, but i really
do try my best every single day.
so when i deal with others who have zero
respect, it hurts. it hurts that our world
just keeps getting worse and worse.
all this hate, all this hostility. it sucks.
i couldn't even imagine bringing a child
into this crappy world.
i'm sad that my nephew will have to deal
with these other kids who just continue
to get worse. and that my little sister
is already having to deal with them at six.
these kids will grow into the kids who
don't say "please" or "thank you",
which turns into disrespecting their parents,
their teachers, their peers.
and then growing into having respect for
absolutely no one.

moral of the story:
be nice to others. control your children.
& remember that no one else wants to hear
the music that you play in your car.

ps - i'm kinda in love with demi lovato's album.
shoot me.

2009-03-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

i'm so torn.

actually, i'm not really torn.

i just don't know how to explain to my brain

that my heart isn't exactly on the same page anymore.

for as long as i can remember,

i've never wanted kids, never wanted to be married.

i've had friends, family, teachers, tell me that i'd

change my mind. i'd meet someone worthy,

and all those ways of thinking would be lost.

damn them for being right.

damn fate for putting him in my path.

damn my heart for not going with the plan.

i hate that it took me all of this to realize, well...

all of this.

who says i can't have my dreams and aspirations of before,

and all of these new things, too?

besides, what fun would it be if i had no one to share it with?

he's my best friend and he makes me want to be a better person.

he's one of the best people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

he's been by my side, through hell and high water.

i couldn't ask for anyone better.

i just wish i hadn't been so dumb.

now i'm here, wondering where i am, what i'm doing.

with my heart in my hands, ready to give it completely.

and he doesn't want it.

go. f-ing. figure.

2009-03-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

i didn't realize that back in july,

when i decided i wanted my "independence",

that it would mess things up between us now.

mainly because he's stayed around this whole time.

we've never really stopped acting like a couple.

so, today, when i asked him what was going on with "us",

i got an "i don't know", which is understandable.

but when i told him i'd be ok with a relationship,

his response was basically a "no".

i understand that it sucks that it took me this long to

come to this realization, but still...if you really care

about me, why wouldn't you want this to happen?

what was the point of staying around all this time?

why act like a couple with me, tell me you still care,

but when faced with the actual idea of making things work,

pass on it?

so that's it, i told him i'm done. there's nothing more.

he told me in text later that i hurt him a lot when

i decided i wanted to go out partying and being my own person.

which i get. but why, 8 months later, let it determine the

outcome of us? why can't it be put behind us?

especially when it hasn't seemed to be a big deal recently.

we've talked about it before, i thought he was past it.

guess i was wrong.

well, now that i know that there's no more potential,

i can actually allow myself to move on.

because i think that's been partially holding me back.

the fact that i didn't know what was going on with him & me.

not gonna lie, it still hurts. but whatever. i'll live.

that's exactly what i need to do - live.

2009-03-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

(tweaked the layout/html yet again.

hopefully everyone can read it this time.)

yeah, so yesterday sucked.

i really didn't think it would be that hard,

but it was. it really was.

i really appreciated all the messages, texts,

comments, and phone calls from everyone.

it made it just a bit easier to get through.

i had to work, but i really tried to stay positive,

and even got compliments from my co-workers,

which definitely made staying upbeat worth it.

i also went to dinner with the ex.

he really is amazing.

he's the one person i can cry in front of

and not feel like a crazy person.

& he helped me countdown until midnight,

when the day was finally over.

i made it through, in one piece, barely.

never have a i cried so much in one day.

but, today, is a different day.

from here on out, he's been gone longer than

he was in life.

i can deal. i can accept it.

but i need to deal with this anger.

still, today, i'm starting over.

i know now that i'm going to be ok.

2009-03-24T01:20:00.001-07:00

twelve years ago today, my dad took his life. he was 32.

it's not something i talk about often,

because it still hurts that he's gone.

i've dreaded this anniversary. because this is the year

that he's been out of my life longer than he was in it.

it sucks.

i constantly wonder what my life would be like if he

hadn't left. i'd be a completely different person.

my life would be a totally different life.

not a day goes by that i don't think of him.

i can remember his smell as if i smelled him yesterday.

it was raining the last night i saw him.

i asked him if i could stay the night at his house, and

he told me not that night. which, looking back on it,

was odd. he never denied a sleepover.

he took my sister & me to grupe park that day. we climbed

the backstops at the baseball diamonds.

i remember him distinctly saying "stick your butt out"

when i was attempting to climb higher.

weird. he never said "butt", always "bottom".

i was 11. i had no idea what was going on with him.

had no idea the demons that had haunted him his whole life.

he wasn't always the best dad, but it was because of

the depression, and he really did try his hardest.

friends & family constantly remind me how much he

loved the two of us. we were his world.

i just wish he had been here for the big events in our lives.

he missed my first day of high school.

he wasn't there to threaten death on some stupid boy

who had broken my heart.

he wasn't there when i graduated high school.

he didn't get to see amanda get married and

have a baby.

i won't have my dad to walk me down the aisle
if i ever do decide to get married.

and now he won't be here to see my nephew be born.

twelve years later, when i think about all of those things,

i still get angry.

i find myself wishing he'd just thought of those things,

pictured them in the future, and maybe changed his mind.

twelve years later, i still miss him like the day i found out

that he was gone.

he was supposed to teach me to snowboard.

he was supposed to take me camping in the mountains

that summer.

so many things i never got to do with him,

so many things i'll never get to do with him.

day after day, i wish he was still here with me.

today, twelve years later, things still aren't any easier...

2009-03-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

changing the blog colors again.
wasn't easily readable for others.
& what good is that for a blog?
so now it's simple & minimalist.
just wish i had a way to incorporate
my baroque background as i have
on my twitter & myspace. ah well.
i'm sure i'll mess with it again soon.

so this twitter thing is pretty much
my favorite thing.
it's such a reflection of our culture today.
how nosey we all are, how we have the
need to know everyone's happenings
at all times of the day.
especially with celebrities.
i mean, when i was younger and "idolized"
someone, i couldn't see what they were
doing at every second.
i had to wait for a new magazine interview,
or just watch their videos on TV and hope
that they would make an appearance on TRL.
and if i was really lucky, they might have
somewhat of a website. the "gossip" mags
were pretty much limited to people (which
was, and still is, a more respectable
publication) and star, which also talked
about how aliens were inhabiting the earth.
not anymore.
with gossip mags like us weekly, OK!, and
any other one you can find in line at a grocery
store, we have complete insight to these
people's lives. especially now that these

magazines all have a twitter feed.

it's kind of insane, actually.

of course i've gotten sucked into all of it.

i'm in the generation of pop culture,

so it was somewhat inevitable.

and then with all the apps you can get,

it's so easily accessible...how could i not?

& it's exciting to get someone to respond to you.

it makes all of the "celebrities" actual people.

it makes it feel as if they're attainable,

that you can be friends with them.

they seem "normal", if you will.

all of it seems so crazy to me.

a regular ol' guy can make a blog about celebs,

draw stupid things on them in paint and get

a video spot on britney's tour. nuts.

the internet has brought fame to a different level.

it's brought it down to us everyday people.

i'm very interested to see where all of this goes

in the future. whooo knows?

2009-03-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

soooo, i couldn't conform to blogger's template for long.
i always have to tweak html.

anyway...
i saw the family on sunday for the gma's 60th birthday.
i've missed them all.
i realize it more every time i see them.
afterward i went to the baby store and mall with my mom & sissy.
love hanging out with them.
when i got home, i realized i had a missed call from my mom
and a text that simply said "call me"...hmm, weird.
so i called her back.
she told me i seem really unhappy and lonely up here.
i hadn't really thought about it until then, but i am.
i think it goes along with the whole routine of my life.
wake up. go to work. come home. veg out.
i mean, just going jogging with the dogs today made me feel awesome.
need me some hobbies.
as a whole, i love being back in sac.
but when i look at it in detail, i'm sad.
i am...(gasp) lonely.
and even though i hate to admit it,
i miss having someone to sleep next to.
hopefully he'll be up here tomorrow, so that should be nice.
ugh.
i just need to put myself out there, go out, meet people.
being painfully shy kinda hinders that.

so much for starting anew....
this sucks.

2009-03-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

so i changed the layout of my blog, conformed to blogger's templates.
i like it better; it's not so "emo" and it's much simpler.

anyway...
i've just been lounging around lately. i need to find a hobby.
it takes me about a half hour after i get home from work to be bored. blah.
i'm missing the ex, more than i thought i would.
and i miss my dogs when they're with him for their "week",
they seem to keep me a bit more entertained.

and keeping with the pathetic theme...
i got into an argument with the douche from months ago.
which seriously started with him "accidentally" texting me with
something he meant to send the girlfriend and I responded with,
"riiight. well have fun with that."
which I guess was an invite to verbally attack me for 2+ hours.
it honestly made me sick to my stomach.
i don't know what i possibly could've done to someone to
make them talk to me that way.
i guess it just proves what i've known all along - the boy's got issues.
major issues.

to talk about my dad who passed away 12 years ago? honestly.

i just wish i wouldn't have responded to his original text at all.

it still doesn't excuse calling me crazy names and being a complete asshole.

it upset me last night, but now i'm just over it.

he's a loser and his words mean absolutely nothing to me.

ok, i've wasted far too much on that stupid incident.

guess i just needed to vent.

i need to find a second (or third) job.

i'm sick of being broke.

unfortunately, the probability of finding another job is quite unlikely.

i pretty much would take anything right now, though.

just a few extra hours a week would be super nice.

ahhh, i sound so negative & pessimistic...

must be pms-ing.

i'm gonna go do something productive...

& possibly try out mystic tan. ha.

2009-02-18T18:58:00.001-08:00

Oh man, 50 years of Barbie!

& the NYC Fashion Week runway show did NOT disappoint.

All these amazing designers redid Barbie in their designs.

DEAD!

Some of my favorites:

& seriously, the hot pink Loubs made especially for the event. Kill me now!

I would've given my right leg to be there...seriously.

2009-02-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been awhile.
I've finally finished moving to midtown,
and I'm beyond happy.
I've been working a lot, but in short shifts.
Sickness has come with the change in the weather.
Stupid cough, stupid sore throat, annoying headache.
It always comes with a vengeance.
And it's making me feel useless.

I love it here.
Even though I've mostly been lounging at the apartment,
I know that there's a whole different world outside.
One that doesn't have me hating it...as much.
I finally have my freedom,
and really only myself to think about for the first time
in a very long time.
It's refreshing.

I'm excited, I get to go to Santa Cruz to help on a shoot
for the Shockwave dancers' calendar this month.
I haven't been on a shoot in what seems like forever.
I miss it like crazy...I miss the studio.
Hopefully things pick up and I can go in some more.

Now I have to go back to vegging out on the couch.

2009-01-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

So I'm basically obsessed with the blog, Red Carpet Fashion Awards.

They just posted pictures from Chanel's Spring 2009 Haute Couture collections.

Seriously, I die.

Karl Lagerfeld is a complete genius! The day I own a Chanel gown, is the day I have accomplished everything I've dreamed in life.

The man is a master of his craft.

If you've never read The Beautiful Fall, you must get it.

It chronicles the fabulous lives of Karl Lagerfeld & Yves Saint Laurent,

and is honestly a must-have for any admirer of fashion.

Speaking of YSL, I need to get to the exhibit at de Young in SF ASAP.

He's another genius.

2009-01-21T01:53:00.000-08:00

Never did I think it would be this hard.

My heart aches.

Emptiness is all I feel inside.

Completely hollow.

Constantly keeping myself from crying,

I have to realize this is what I need.

But does it have to be so difficult?

It's as if the air has been sucked from my lungs,

and I just keep gasping for him.

Why does it always happen this way,

"You don't realize what you have until it's gone."

Why did we have to hurt each other in order to know we cared so much?

He tells me our paths will cross again,

which only makes it worse.

I just want to shout like Veruca Salt;

"I WANT IT NOW!!"

Doesn't he see that my heart beats for him?

There's no one else I want.

Unfortunately it took all of this

for me to come to this vital realization.

2009-01-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

Is there a reason I keep doing this to myself?

He messed up, we're done. We've been done.

So why do I stick around?

It feels almost like when we first got together,

I feel happy.

Maybe the reality of me leaving is setting in.

Or it might be that I don't trust him enough to leave him alone.

Either way, I need to let go.

It's so weird to me that every time someone messes up in a relationship,

the one who's hurt is the one that tries to fix things.

In my case, anyway.

Anytime I'm screwed over, I'm more drawn to them

and want to make things better.

I just don't get it.

So I start work at my new store next week.

I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous.

I really hate meeting new people, strangers.

But I guess it makes me a stronger person.

This move is a big one.

It's the first time I've been completely away from my family,

that they're more than a 10 minute drive away.

It's going to be forced to do a lot of growing up.

I'm also looking forward to it.

Reconnecting with old friends, having a social life,

and a real group of friends.

Stockton has never been home to me, ever.

Never have I really had close friends here,

not lately anyway.

I know that I need this.

I just hope it all works out.

2009-01-10T01:45:00.001-08:00

Women should respect other women.

It's just a given.

Especially if they're a friend to you and have done nothing to wrong you.

You say you're a "big girl" and can do what you want.

You're right, you're just that, a girl.

You're not a woman and you're definitely not a lady.

You are a child; a whiny, ignorant, dramatic child.

A woman doesn't try to get with her friend's ex boyfriend,

who she still lives with.

It's like the golden rule of friendships.

A woman has more respect than that for others...and for herself.

Just because you can do it doesn't mean you should.

Grow up, get some morals.

If you keep living your life this way, you're in for a rude awakening.

When you treat people like this, it makes others not want to be your friend.

And it makes me want to murder you.

Why treat someone who has been nothing but good to you,

nothing but loyal, like this?

I counted you among my good friends - NEVER AGAIN.

Like the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I forgave you before.

You apologized and seemed completely genuine.

Obviously not.

It's apparent you think of no one but yourself.

You never have.

You're selfish, disrespectful, trashy, backstabbing, a liar, and a whore.

I have more class in my pinky finger than you'll ever have in your whole life.

You disgust me to no end.

And I can honestly say that I hate you.

You have major issues in life,

and need to take care of those.

Otherwise you're gonna be stuck as this shitty person.

Because that's what you are - a horrible person.

If you think he cares about you, you are insane.

Don't you realize he's only doing this to get back at me?

He's trying to place his thoughts somewhere else,

because he's in love with me.

So convince yourself otherwise,

which I'm sure you've already done, since you're crazy.

The moral of the story is:

GROW UP AND BECOME A FUCKING WOMAN.

ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS,

AND REALIZE THAT YOU CAN'T GO AROUND DOING WHAT YOU WANT

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE THINGS YOU DO,

AND KARMA IS A BITCH.

2009-01-07T00:07:00.000-08:00

"You live too far away

Your voice rings like a bell anyway

Don't give up your independence

Unless it feels so right

Nothing good comes easily

Sometimes you've got to fight."

I'm feeling so incredibly vulnerable right now.

Not telling people how I feel has become a part of who I am.

So when I decided to go against that tonight,

I must have had a moment of temporary insanity.

But my thinking was, "If he doesn't know how you feel, what good does it do you?"

I've gotten so incredibly talented at hiding my real feelings,

in all regards of my life.

I'm great at pretending.

It's something I don't think I want to do anymore.

I want to be real, I want to be me.

I don't want to worry about what others think of me

or how they feel about me.

Putting myself out there makes me feel real things,

and even if feelings aren't reciprocated, at least I did it.

I can't say I didn't try.

Because I'm sick of not knowing the true feelings of the other party.

This way, I know, and don't have to wonder.

Which is usually what drives me insane anyway.

Hopefully I don't get a response.

2009-01-03T01:38:00.000-08:00

I remain completely unconvinced that there is a decent boy out there.

They never fail to let me down.

It's such a painful realization.

In recent days, I've come to the conclusion that they're all the same.

Heartless. Selfish. Ungrateful. Inconsiderate. Undependable.

Liars. Hurtful. Mean. Cold. Oblivious. Lame.

So my New Years Resolution is this:

STAY SINGLE in 2009!

2008-12-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

Thank you for a brilliant day yesterday.

Unfortunately, today has taken a turn for the worst.

But I still have this playlist to remind me of you.

I don't look at anyone the way I look at you,

and I probably never will.

Just know that.

I'll miss you when you're gone again.

Hopefully you'll think of me.

2008-12-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

Never have I wanted to burn bridges,

never have I thought things would end up this way.

As inevitable as it seemed,

I didn't want this to happen.

This is a person I once considered wanting to spend my life with,

a person with good morals and even better intent.

Someone who wanted nothing more than to make me happy.

Obviously I ruined it.

But with little regret.

We're living in two separate worlds,

with two separate ideas on where we should be and want to go.

He deserves to make someone happy,

and who reciprocates the feeling.

I wish he would see where I'm coming from,

and understand that I need this.

If our paths cross in the future,

maybe things will be different.

But at the moment, things are the way they are.

My heart is no longer in it,

as hard as it may be.

He gave me a taste of a different person recently,

someone who didn't stand up for me and didn't back me up.

And even though I was wanting to work things out,

after he did this, I realized I just can't do this anymore.

This has been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

He means the world to me,

and I hope things will be alright eventually,

even if right now it feels like I'm in a hurricane.

2008-12-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

Wow.

That's all I can say. I'm honestly blown away.

So much so that I just want to crack up laughing.

People never cease to amaze me.

I'm not even upset, just really very amused.

Maybe that makes me a little bit crazy.

I feel like people should own up and be honest.

What's the point if you're not, and what does that say about you?

Man.

I thought I had already encountered the biggest douchebag I could,

and now someone else holds that title.

A little surprising, considering...

Well,

CONGRATULATIONS, you tool.

2008-11-30T23:20:00.000-08:00

Claustrophobia.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me.

My heart beats faster and faster.

It's almost as if I can't breathe,

I'm being suffocated.

As I lay there, I can feel the the blood pumping through my veins.

The pulsation of my heart in my fingertips.

Disgust. Betrayal. Hurt.

My mind races and my cheeks burn red with the thoughts.

Embarrassment. Naïveté. Indulgence.

Sleep comes in the form of tossing and turning.

Every night is the same.

Someday I hope things will be different,

I hope I can feel me again.

2008-11-24T00:48:00.000-08:00

I thought being single was supposed to be fun. Too bad retarded boys make it very unfun.

Even though I know I have a hard time telling people how I feel, I don't like to play games.

I'd much rather someone be honest with me than just completely stop talking to me and disappear into thin air.

Being lied to, or even having truths omitted, is one of my biggest pet peeves. Just because you don't actually tell me doesn't mean it's not lying.

And even if I don't like someone in that way, I'd still appreciate the honesty. I don't like losing friends, especially ones I was enjoying having.

Also, stupid schticks that guys pull to get girls are just that...stupid. I wish they wouldn't pretend like it's not some act...I maybe have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.

I refuse to be humiliated any longer, I refuse to fall for immature routines. I'm not in high school anymore, I've grown up. I no longer will be made to feel stupid.

I'm sure part of it is actually my fault, but I'm learning that now. I'm realizing that I can't get too involved with people. Which is why I'll forever be guarded. Once I decide to break down that wall, I'll have made sure a million times over that I'm ready to do it and it's the right person.

I learn a little more about myself every single day.

2008-11-21T00:14:00.000-08:00

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

Things I want:

A boy that I like to show up at my job just to surprise me.
To be able to quit In-N-Out.
Save up money to move to Sacramento.
Enjoy being single without getting caught up in stupid boys.
Stop being so stressed about everything, just relax.
Lose 20 pounds and get into shape.
Deal with issues I have with people.

Doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?

2008-11-19T00:34:00.000-08:00

Letting go has been the best thing I could possibly do.

I feel about a million times better.

There really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's too bad that I had to have him be so mean to me to realize his flaws and that I'm that much better than he will ever be.

I'm in a better, happier place right now.

I am the only one who has control over how I'm feeling,

and I'm choosing not to be in a bad mood or be down about it.

Wayne gave me fantastic advice:

Don't waste time worrying about the things you have no control over.

Just that one sentence has helped me change my outlook.

I stress over things and people I can't change,

what's the point?

I don't want to be that person anymore.

I'm sick of being bummed over dumb guys,

it doesn't make sense.

Why should I allow others to control my happiness?

I have my friends, who make me more happy than I could ask for.

They make me laugh all the time, and I can talk to them about any & everything.

They're my rocks, and I couldn't ask anything more from them.

I also have to credit them for helping me become the person I am at the moment.

Honestly, they're the best and I love each of them so much.

I'm finally excited again for the future.

Moving back to Sacramento is going to be fantastic,

and I'm so stoked about it. =)

2008-11-13T01:38:00.000-08:00

Wow.

Just...wow.

I would never ever say things to someone that he said to me tonight.

Never.

Honesty is not the best policy.

I'm officially giving up on guys.

I don't need them to make me happy.

I don't need them, period.

And people wonder why I have trust issues. ha!

2008-11-11T00:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling so reckless.

Getting into trouble and doing things that go against the grain have become so attractive to me in the last few weeks.

Trying to explain it is nearly impossible.

Sabotage about sums it up.

There's a fire burning inside of me,

just waiting to explode.

There's no outlet for my emotions.

I'm confused and frustrated,

and really have no idea why.

On top of it all,

someone who I thought couldn't disappoint me anymore than he already had,

proved me wrong once again.

Not only is he the jerk I thought he was,

but he's also immature, shallow, and ignorant.

I finally got the balls to tell him "no",

and he didn't like that at all.

I'll no longer ask "how high?" when he tells me to "jump".

The sad thing is, I actually cared.

I'm glad I never put myself out there.

It's taught me a lesson - keeping my feelings to myself works out better in the end.

Never ever again will I let a guy have the upper hand.

Speaking of guys,

I really want to start dating and meeting new people.

Relationships have no appeal to me,

but I need something new, shake things up.

Unfortunately, I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to being social,

and I'm more than a little awkward.

I need to work on all the places I'm lacking.

Hopefully when I move back to Sacramento in March,

things will change for the better for me.

I need them to,

before I pull my hair out of my head.

2008-11-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

I was determined not to fall.

But when everything feels like it's slowly crumbling,

it's hard to keep that integrity alive.

2008-11-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

I feel so anxious for no reason.

That flutter in my stomach that tells me something is coming.

Anticipating absolutely nothing.

I want to cry, I need to cry.

My emotions have come down to watching dramas on TV so I can actually feel something.

Sad, no?

This numbness has become the norm.

Bad moods rule my life.

I feel so completely, utterly alone.

I have no shoulder to cry on anymore.

The one I do have, I can't tell the truth to.

I have to pretend nothing is wrong when I'm around him.

Which may be the hardest part,

and is probably contributing to why I feel this way.

Because here is this person who cares about me, who wants me to be honest,

and I have to suppress everything I'm feeling,

I have to put on this facade.

Therefore causing more pain and anguish for myself.

Such a conundrum.

My resolution is this;

I need to get away, alone. As ironic as that seems.

My time spent alone here has me suffocating.

Somewhere else, it might be a relief.

A nice day trip somewhere sounds fantastic.

Just an escape.

Something to help me clear my head,

I'm craving it.

2008-10-26T22:02:00.001-07:00

I can't deal with this.

He hurts me too badly.

I can't even imagine what it would be like if it ended up being more.

It would be filled with drama, and that is most certainly something I don't want.

It would be miserable, it would be chaotic.

There are some things I have to realize I can't do,

and this is one of them.

I guess he's always been a project to me.

He's always been the one that got away.

This time, he was my scape goat out of a relationship that I no longer wanted,

an excuse, my excuse.

I can't change him, obviously.

He's been the same since I met him, just older and more screwed up.

More than anything, I'm annoyed with myself for getting involved.

I should know better by now.

He's an egocentric rogue.

I'm entirely too good for this whole situation.

I can only take so much before I break,

and he's honestly pushed me to that place.

I've really never met anyone who misconstrues things as much as he does.

He takes my light-hearted comments and invitations

and twists them into me being crazy and needy.

I don't know how he does it,

but in every instance, I become the one at fault for everything.

Who does that?

What's odd is that he can be totally nice to me.

But that person exists 2% of the time,

versus the insane, dramatic, narcissist that inhabits him the other 98%.

I fall for all the wrong people at exactly the right times.

It's a habit that I have to shake.

I have to realize I can't take on guys as "projects".

...I just need to stop looking.

2008-10-25T02:07:00.000-07:00

"Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now"
-Taylor Swift, "White Horse"

I'm sick of being put on the back burner.
I'm sick of feeling like I'll never be good enough.
I'm sick of expectations being set up for me, even though they no longer apply.
I'm a different person now.
I'm not going to sit around and wait forever.
I could fall in love, but I won't.
I won't let myself again.
It's completely pointless and just a waste of time.

It's hard for me to tell people how I feel,
especially if I really care.
So when I put a little piece of myself out there for you,
consider it a big deal, consider yourself special to me.
I'm not always entirely honest about my feelings,
mainly because I'm afraid of the reaction I will (or won't) receive.
This situation was no exception.
Which is why I'll continue to be the way I am.
You expect honesty and openness from me,
but can't even give that in return?
Come on, I think I deserve more than that.
After all, "we've known each other forever". gross.
Count me out.