man. man. man.
i hate watching television/movie relationships.
actually, i hate watching their lives.
i started watching sex and the city from the beginning.
i'm on season 3 now.
their lives are so damn fabulous.
i realize it's not real, but i'm still so envious.
because someone, somewhere, leads a similar life.
i despise the fact that i wasn't born "into money".
i know; that just means i have to work harder
to make it happen for myself.
it's just so frustrating.
especially now,
when i'm so broke, i can barely afford to eat.
i hate having to struggle.
it doesn't make me stronger, it makes me angry.
some people are just so fortunate, and i'm....not.
there are so many things i want to do,
so many things i want to buy and see.
going to vegas and seeing all the beautiful things
that money can buy was just so disheartening.
makes me sad (& mad). ugh.
and then the relationships.
relationships don't happen like that...do they?
does everyone have a soulmate?
is everyone meant to fall in love?
and what does falling in love entail?
because i thought i had at least once,
and now i don't know.
if you love someone,
are you supposed to get tired of them?
get annoyed by every little thing?
i just miss the newness of it.
the exhilarating feeling
of your stomach flip-flopping when you see them.
the excitement of the first kiss,
of when he may say "i love you" for the first time.
when he introduces you as his "girlfriend",
and you get to meet his parents.
granted, comfort is nice.
not having to sneak out of bed to
brush your teeth in the morning.
knowing you have someone to sleep next to.
someone to take care of you when you're sick.
then there's all the uncomforts of dating.
all the confusion.
the awkward moments.
never knowing when the time is right to ask them to stay.
the uneasy feeling of coming off as too needy,
or being too available.
the whole thing is so off-putting.
it's a double-edged sword.
comfortable, easy, and a little boring
or
new, exciting, and sometimes confusing?
what i know is this;
i don't like being alone, not right now.
sometimes i do, sometimes i'm ok with it.
this isn't one of those times.
i'm bored. i need to start going out.
i need to meet new people and make more friends.
i'm too young to be sitting at home,
twiddling my thumbs.
because mr. right (or even mr. right now)
won't just appear on my doorstep.
(unless, of course, he's a door-to-door salesman.
and if that's the case,
i probably wouldn't answer the door, anyway.)

it's time to re-awaken my inner social butterfly.
away with the shy, homebody i've become recently!