Once again,
I'm dealing with the issue of letting down my walls.
I have this baggage that I just can't seem to get rid of.
But, I realized in the past few days,
I need to stop making excuses and confront it.
I'm done letting it run me.
I want to have a loving relationship,
I want to be able to trust the people in my life.
Instead, I'm pushing them all away.

Getting hurt, having my heart broken,
is my absolute biggest fear.
So I choose not to open up,
and choose to keep everything inside.
That way, if something happens,
I haven't made myself completely vulnerable,
and it won't hurt as bad.
But then I subconsciously try to sabotage things.
Then he doesn't have to chance to hurt me,
I've done that all on my own.
I always have to be the hard ass,
to act like I don't care.
Until he's walking out the door.
Then I want to talk, to listen,
to deal with the problems at hand...
Before that moment, nothing.

I've finally met someone who is worth this,
and who isn't going to take my crap.
Before him,
I didn't know how to be a good girlfriend,
or how to treat someone I loved.
Now I know how to be that,
I want to be that,
and I won't allow my past to ruin this.
I don't ever want him to wonder
why he's with me.

Some things have been brought to light,
and I have some insight as to what I need to do.
There are definitely things I need to change,
and I'm more than willing to do this.


....wish me luck.