twelve years ago today, my dad took his life. he was 32.

it's not something i talk about often,

because it still hurts that he's gone.

i've dreaded this anniversary. because this is the year

that he's been out of my life longer than he was in it.

it sucks.

i constantly wonder what my life would be like if he

hadn't left. i'd be a completely different person.

my life would be a totally different life.

not a day goes by that i don't think of him.

i can remember his smell as if i smelled him yesterday.

it was raining the last night i saw him.

i asked him if i could stay the night at his house, and

he told me not that night. which, looking back on it,

was odd. he never denied a sleepover.

he took my sister & me to grupe park that day. we climbed

the backstops at the baseball diamonds.

i remember him distinctly saying "stick your butt out"

when i was attempting to climb higher.

weird. he never said "butt", always "bottom".

i was 11. i had no idea what was going on with him.

had no idea the demons that had haunted him his whole life.

he wasn't always the best dad, but it was because of

the depression, and he really did try his hardest.

friends & family constantly remind me how much he

loved the two of us. we were his world.

i just wish he had been here for the big events in our lives.

he missed my first day of high school.

he wasn't there to threaten death on some stupid boy

who had broken my heart.

he wasn't there when i graduated high school.

he didn't get to see amanda get married and

have a baby.

i won't have my dad to walk me down the aisle
if i ever do decide to get married.

and now he won't be here to see my nephew be born.

twelve years later, when i think about all of those things,

i still get angry.

i find myself wishing he'd just thought of those things,

pictured them in the future, and maybe changed his mind.

twelve years later, i still miss him like the day i found out

that he was gone.

he was supposed to teach me to snowboard.

he was supposed to take me camping in the mountains

that summer.

so many things i never got to do with him,

so many things i'll never get to do with him.

day after day, i wish he was still here with me.

today, twelve years later, things still aren't any easier...