i don't know how to be the person i want to be in a relationship.
lately, my trust issues have gotten the best of me,
and it's pretty unbecoming.
jealousy does not look good on anyone.
odd thing is, i've never considered myself a jealous person...
until i really thought about it.
but, basically, my insecurities and
"untrustworthy until proven trustworthy" mentality
make it hard not to be.

i guess what it comes down to is that i have a hard time
understanding why someone would want to be with me.
so i need whoever i'm with to constantly be proving to me
that i'm the one they want to be with.
which isn't fair to him.
especially when he's done nothing
to show he's not worthy of my trust.
i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of carrying around this chip on my shoulder
because of what ex's have done to me in the past.
it's just gotten so hard to let go of that,
when every single guy has, at some point, devastated me.
it really is a vicious circle,
and i usually come out alone and feeling like a jerk.

i don't want to sabotage another relationship
because of my issues.
i want to actually be happy and have a normal relationship.
not a relationship where he feels he has to walk on eggshells
so as not to hurt my feelings somehow.

so, how do you get past that?
how do i get past this?
i should probably start by letting my walls down...entirely.
because part-way, some-of-the-time isn't cutting it.
and trust, trust, trust.
i need to realize that not everyone wants to hurt me,
and that is possible for someone to care about me...
now, i just have to keep telling myself that,
so i actually start to believe it.