i've tried letting my guard down.
i'm trying to be trusting.
but when someone points out your flaws,
in the middle of an argument,
it can be really discouraging.
this all feels like a real set back.

he wants me to trust him,
to be able to tell him everything.
but when i hear about these problems he has with me,
all of these underlying issues,
my walls go back up and i retreat inside my head.
it all makes me feel so alone.
i really hate feeling vulnerable,
so i protect myself the only way i know how to,
by shutting down, turning off.
which i know isn't healthy,
and i've really been working through it,
but it's still my defense mechanism.
it's the easiest way to deal...for me, anyway.
still, things get through
and my feelings still get hurt.
(surprise, surprise.)
words have the ability to cut me like daggers,
to put a knot so big in my stomach that i feel sick.
by then, the damage has already been done.
i've retreated further and my trust has been broken.
because how do i know it won't happen again.
i'm always going to be expecting the worst,
bracing myself for what's to come.
even so, i guess i shouldn't be SO sensitive to it.
stil, everyday is a struggle...ugh.