i found this old blog entry,

and realized i miss writing.

i'm going to start doing it much more often now.

i need my outlet.

"I was born with cynicism running through my veins.

Every fiber of my being is made up of negativity and pessimism.

Everyone in my family views the glass as half empty,

it's time to break tradition.

It's a worthy battle to fight,

albeit, an extremely hard one.

It's hard to see a positive reality,

when all you've known is a harsh one.

Seeing the world through rose colored glasses has never been an option.

No matter what I've had, it's never been good enough.

It didn't matter that it was newer, cooler, or just plain better than yours.

I've always been spoiled,

and though I've appreciated everything given to me,

I know I'm still a brat at heart.

It's followed me into adulthood,

and it's time for a serious change.

I can't deal with being told "no". Ever.

I can't handle not being the center of attention,

particularly involving the person I'm in a relationship with.

I guess I had never really realized that until last night.

We were getting ready to go to a wedding,

I couldn't do my hair right, so I said I wasn't going.

I threw a fit and he told me,

"Don't do this to me now. This is so much bigger than you."

And he was so incredibly right.

Even though I wouldn't admit that until much later last night.

I'm stubborn, I'm hard-headed,

and even though I know at the time I'm doing something wrong,

I won't change my way.

My actions are so ridiculous and selfish,

and it's almost as if I'm viewing the situation from the outside in,

seeing how childish I'm being.

While it's happening, I just don't care.

So this is me, taking a pledge to become a better person.

A more compassionate person,

a more altruistic person.

Someone who regards the feelings of others when it matters most.

A person who is more likable.

I complain about how much I hate this town, this world,

but I'm only adding to that unpleasantness.

I'd rather be a congenial attribute to society,

instead of a hateful one.

No more complaing, no more negativity.

All I really want is to be happy,

I guess I just never realized it until now...."

god, i'm tired.
tired of empty promises i make myself.
tired of lost hopes.
tired of dwelling.
tired of my dead end job.
tired of being tired...literally.

there are so many things i need to do,
so many things i want to see.
and going the way i'm headed
isn't going to get me any of those things.
i'm better than this.
i'm better than being unhappy.
it's about time i do something about it.
go to school,
attempt to find a new job,
stop being so bored all the time.
i work just so i can barely live.
it's tiresome and old.

my birthday was on friday.
24 and not getting younger.
by now i expected so much more of myself.
i guess getting a later start than planned
is better than never getting started at all.
sometimes it's just so hard
to find the motivation,
and to figure out where i even begin.
thinking about it frustrates me,
even though i know it's something i need to do.

i long to be creative again,
to use my brain.
instead of doing something i hate,
and letting everything else waste away.
it gets me so bogged down sometimes,
i can't stand it.
every day being the same,
just going through the motions.

i need some excitement.
something fresh, something new.
....

so i'm sitting here listening to brad paisley,
and i got to thinking...
his songs (& most other country songs),
make life seem so simple...
once you've found someone to love.
it's like once you've found that person,
nothing else really matters.
well, except creating a life with them.
it's just a concept i have a hard time grasping.
even though i've played with the idea
with the ex,
i just don't know that i'm cut out for it.
not for the long haul, anyway.
i'm just not quite ready to settle anytime soon.
because if i did, my life would be mediocre.
and i do not want mediocre.
there are a million things i want to do...
and if that means i have to be lonesome
for a little while longer,
i'm entirely ok with that.
my mantra is now
"live for me".
i think i can handle that....

have you ever woken up from a dream,
that involved someone you know,
but don't know too well,
and find yourself a little bit attracted to them?
it's the weirdest thing.
this dream was super real,
and it got my heart fluttering a little bit.
good thing i don't have to deal with him
on a daily basis. ha.

anywho...
we moved into our new house.
it's big, it's nice.
it's away from where we were originally,
but whatever.
it is straight up suburbia, though.
i'm still getting settled.
i hate moving.
it stresses me out.
i want to decorate my room,
but with limited funds,
that's kinda difficult.
plus, i hate painting.
i need a man to do it for me.
(jooooking.)

i wish i had more to blog about right now.
but i'm oddly content,
and not feeling the need to vent.
weird.
guess i just wanted to check in.

hopefully more sweet dreams tonight.
<3

i wonder if there will ever be a point
when i won't have to check the "single" box
when filling out information about myself.
who knows if
maybe i'll even be checking the "divorced" box,
or the "separated" box some day?
it's crazy that no matter how much
i wantneed to be single,
i still crave someone.
it really is human nature.
what i miss most is having that confidante.
someone who is on your side no matter what.
but,
i know that i'm still getting to know me,
that i'm still learning to love the person
that i am - inside & out.
and that being in a relationship right now
just is not what i need.
because aside from not being able to
find any date-worthy guys,
i also have to be able to survive without someone.
i'm a serial monogamist.
not that that's necessarily a horrible thing,
but when you've pretty much been in relationships
since you were 16 (and are now pushing 24),
it's time to do some exploring.
i've become too dependent on having someone
there in the past.
i'm actually proud of myself for having gone
out with a couple guys (as nothing serious),
and having stayed single for this long.
but, in reality, i have to wonder what the future
has in store for me.
will i find prince charming?
will i get butterflies again?
will i find someone to stay up with at night
until the sun comes out,
talking about absolutely nothing & absolutely everything?
will i find someone who really gets me,
and loves me despite (or because) all of my flaws?
i want to live for me,
but it's so hard when you feel so damn alone,
and are surrounded by friends who have something.

...i'm really just being overly emotional
from the lack of sleep.
i'm definitely on the verge of a mental breakdown.
woot.