Once again,
I'm dealing with the issue of letting down my walls.
I have this baggage that I just can't seem to get rid of.
But, I realized in the past few days,
I need to stop making excuses and confront it.
I'm done letting it run me.
I want to have a loving relationship,
I want to be able to trust the people in my life.
Instead, I'm pushing them all away.

Getting hurt, having my heart broken,
is my absolute biggest fear.
So I choose not to open up,
and choose to keep everything inside.
That way, if something happens,
I haven't made myself completely vulnerable,
and it won't hurt as bad.
But then I subconsciously try to sabotage things.
Then he doesn't have to chance to hurt me,
I've done that all on my own.
I always have to be the hard ass,
to act like I don't care.
Until he's walking out the door.
Then I want to talk, to listen,
to deal with the problems at hand...
Before that moment, nothing.

I've finally met someone who is worth this,
and who isn't going to take my crap.
Before him,
I didn't know how to be a good girlfriend,
or how to treat someone I loved.
Now I know how to be that,
I want to be that,
and I won't allow my past to ruin this.
I don't ever want him to wonder
why he's with me.

Some things have been brought to light,
and I have some insight as to what I need to do.
There are definitely things I need to change,
and I'm more than willing to do this.


....wish me luck.

For as long as I can remember,
I've never wanted kids. No way, no how.
But, the last couple months, I've been slipping.
My "biological clock" has been ticking.
I'll see babies and think they're cute
and how it might be fun to have one someday.
Then I think again...
And this sounds totally cheesy,
but Big said it best in "Sex and the City 2":
"We're adults without kids, we have the ability
to design our own life."
People seriously think I'm crazy when they
hear I don't want kids.
They always tell me I'll change my mind.
"Not gonna happen," I say. "I haven't wanted
them since I knew what other kids were, I'm
about to be 25 and my mind still hasn't changed."
Maybe it's selfishness, maybe I didn't get
the maternal gene, maybe I just hate the world
enough to not want to bring a kid up in it;
but the bottom line is, I seriously don't want them.
I love my life the way it is, I don't want that to change.
I'm also lucky enough to be in a relationship with
someone who shares my same thinking.
It certainly makes things a lot easier,
one less thing to worry about.
It's definitely put a strain on previous relationships,
which I think partially lead to their demise.
Plus, I'm an auntie now: I can still hang out with
my nephew and spoil him, but I can also give him back
when he starts to cry or needs a diaper change....

I had forgotten what it was like to actually be happy,
because I had become so used to being miserable
that it just didn't matter.
I was in a rut for so long and didn't even realize it.
Fortunately,
I had someone who cared enough about me to come along;
someone to show me how things could be,
show me the person that I could be.
He actually believed in me,
therefore helping me believe in me.
At some point, I had stopped believing in myself.
I had no motivation, no drive.
I was okay with being just "meh".
What it really boiled down to was I had lost myself;
I was no longer Mercedes.
Unfortunately,
it took some burning of bridges
and physically removing myself
from a toxic situation to get back to being me.
Even so, I have no regrets
and I stand by the decision I made.
Everyday I'm becoming a better version of my former self.
I'm finally going back to school
and am beyond excited about it.
Because I know it's the start
of something that's going to better my life,
which is all that I want for myself.
I'm raising the bar back up,
I'm getting back to being
the care-free dreamer I used to be.
It's been time for a change and I'm finally making it...

i've tried letting my guard down.
i'm trying to be trusting.
but when someone points out your flaws,
in the middle of an argument,
it can be really discouraging.
this all feels like a real set back.

he wants me to trust him,
to be able to tell him everything.
but when i hear about these problems he has with me,
all of these underlying issues,
my walls go back up and i retreat inside my head.
it all makes me feel so alone.
i really hate feeling vulnerable,
so i protect myself the only way i know how to,
by shutting down, turning off.
which i know isn't healthy,
and i've really been working through it,
but it's still my defense mechanism.
it's the easiest way to deal...for me, anyway.
still, things get through
and my feelings still get hurt.
(surprise, surprise.)
words have the ability to cut me like daggers,
to put a knot so big in my stomach that i feel sick.
by then, the damage has already been done.
i've retreated further and my trust has been broken.
because how do i know it won't happen again.
i'm always going to be expecting the worst,
bracing myself for what's to come.
even so, i guess i shouldn't be SO sensitive to it.
stil, everyday is a struggle...ugh.

i don't know how to be the person i want to be in a relationship.
lately, my trust issues have gotten the best of me,
and it's pretty unbecoming.
jealousy does not look good on anyone.
odd thing is, i've never considered myself a jealous person...
until i really thought about it.
but, basically, my insecurities and
"untrustworthy until proven trustworthy" mentality
make it hard not to be.

i guess what it comes down to is that i have a hard time
understanding why someone would want to be with me.
so i need whoever i'm with to constantly be proving to me
that i'm the one they want to be with.
which isn't fair to him.
especially when he's done nothing
to show he's not worthy of my trust.
i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of carrying around this chip on my shoulder
because of what ex's have done to me in the past.
it's just gotten so hard to let go of that,
when every single guy has, at some point, devastated me.
it really is a vicious circle,
and i usually come out alone and feeling like a jerk.

i don't want to sabotage another relationship
because of my issues.
i want to actually be happy and have a normal relationship.
not a relationship where he feels he has to walk on eggshells
so as not to hurt my feelings somehow.

so, how do you get past that?
how do i get past this?
i should probably start by letting my walls down...entirely.
because part-way, some-of-the-time isn't cutting it.
and trust, trust, trust.
i need to realize that not everyone wants to hurt me,
and that is possible for someone to care about me...
now, i just have to keep telling myself that,
so i actually start to believe it.